Kwame Gyan’s note to Christmas returnees – 'Year of Return' edition

Abrokyirefuo mo ho ti sen? (Our disporans, how have you been?) Jack, chale ya fi mo dread (we have really missed you). Enye easy (it's not been easy). Afi enkyi ba kraaa (the year has turned around so quickly).

Anyway, so it's been six years since we started serving our borgas our friendly notes of advice as they make their yearly sojourn in the motherland. We surely need to remind them again especially in the now very famous Year of Return. So truly, the Year of Return, Year of Return nu, the climax is December 2019. Take it or leave it, it is what it is!

Now, this is a free list of To-Do and Not-To-Do for those of us who have gone nowhere and so have not Returned, those who left Ghana a month ago to anything like 10+ years but come home every now and then, and to those whose grandparents' grandparents’ grandparents made them African-this-or-that and are Returning ankasa. My name is Kwame Gyan, and nobody has sent me but I am serving you this yearly note nonetheless.

1. Restaurant owners, chop bar operators, disco owners, hotel and guest house people, in fact, all those providing one service or another, do not assume that we are all Returnees and balloon your prices by heart. Some of us never went anywhere for us to return. If you do that, after January 4 when the borgas have gone, you will not see the real Ghana people coming to you again. We will show you pepper

2. When you come and you are enjoying the plenty Year of Return shows, please don’t remind us about the last time you saw whoever perform wherever and however that went. You people like rushing too much. Just enjoy with us and stop the entuatua

3. Oh, if you think buying VVVVIP tables at any of the hot joints or big shows makes you a top gun, you dey lie paaa. Massa, VVVVVIPs are often boring sef. Learn sense na January 4 is not far away. Don't go back broke

4. Please, we know our level paaaa. That is why you see us buying regular tickets and shunning some shows. It is you who has returned, we dey here saaaa. We can’t come and kee ourselves at shows and chew stones in January

5. Ahaaaa! Sorry oooo but if you are coming with very important things, keep an eye oon it wai? Na we don’t trust those boys and girls at Kotoka. They can even steal used pioto so imagine what will happen if you lose guard

6. Please note, our temperatures have not lowered. In fact, it has become hotter. You have apps on your phone. Check the weather. Don’t land at Kotoka wearing winter jacket because it was snowing when you boarded the aeroplane. Stop that village life, and please stop it already with the ‘Damn Ghana is hot’ nonsense

7. Please don’t allow the spirit of indiscipline enter you when you breathe our air – don’t litter, don’t piss anywhere, don’t jump red, just don’t do any of those things you can’t do in abrokyire. We are tired of you living like law-abiding immigrants in Abrokyire and becoming rascals the moment you land

8. People, trust me when we see you, we know you are a Borga so please drop the needless accent in the aeroplane you will be coming or came with. Oh, we know you can speak like us pepeepe so spare us wai. If you were kindergarten kids we will accept that accent but for you the grown people – especially those who went to abrokyire after you sold off all your properties in Ghana including your family land in your village, spare us wai? We know you

9. Please don’t come here and blow your hard savings and mortgage money. That flexing is unnecessary. Take it or leave it, our Fraud boys here get money pass you. Learn sense massa

10. Please, our girls have studied your play book ooo. Cover to cover. You go get some eat. But you go pay paaaa. If you didn’t know let me tell you, some of the boys here have given their women permission to do 'business' small. Dem go chop your money simple kraaa

11. See, our economy has been doing seesaw for donkey years now. Every year is harder than the previous one. We know. So when you melt your dollars and pounds and euros and yuan and it is plenty, drop that sermon on the exchange rate. Yate abre!

12. Borgas, chale just to remind you, we know the difference between say an original Fendi design and a knock-off. We also know about grey products. We actually wear all of those as well. So slow down on the bragging and things. Otherwise, we will do you what we did Kuami Eugene (when he lied to us that his $76 shoes cost $700!)

13. And hey the word is HELLO, not HELEYI. Don’t be walking around holding bottled water. Now we all drink some

14. Ahaaa! Don’t come and do too known with our Bitters. Our 52 or so different bitters and its variants are stronger than anything you think you know so if I were you, I will drink moderately and be cool

15. Please, we beg you guys must not go round buying 1p panties (yes, I mean G-strings) for our girls during your sales. There are shops with quality “dross” here or better still our girls will manage with the Togolese ones (GH girls abre ne sales nne3ma)

16. The guys, once again let me remind you that when you come and start to deal with your Ghana girls, have common sense and don’t spoil the market for the rest of us. Don’t mess our sex lives up with your two-week misbehaviour. You are here for two weeks; we are here for 52 weeks and change

17. Those of you who gave promise rings to gals here and you have been away promising to come back and marry her each year nu, we beg respect yourself na she's not Lord of the Rings. Go meet her folks, and do the needful like a respected gentleman. Long-distance relationships hard pass monkey ‘bortors’

18. Please, Ghana Police still say “Massa we dey here for you oooo” and they have increased their rates too. And for Christmas, they even have special rates. If you are from Abrokyire you pay special rates too

19. We know cannabis is legal in some states where you come from. Here, it’s not! Don’t come and be doing “do you know where I’m from". If Ghana police barb you with weed, your accent go vanish one time

20. Please when you are in this town and you see NPP and NDC people fighting or debating or simply bathing in the gutter, don't join them. They understand themselves paaa. Their fighting is just for show. They will eat waakye indoors and down it with a chilled 1931 whiles you and your peeps are wasting your energies arguing

Charley times are hard, but that no dey mean say we for no chill. Have fun, live the life, and play and stay safe this Christmas. One love!