In this interview, Perpetua Oche, who lost her husband nine years ago while they lived in Lagos State, tells her story about...
In this interview, Perpetua Oche, a widow whose husband died nine years ago while they lived in Lagos State, talks about the traditional practice of "wife inheritance" that is still going on today. Oche is a voice for the many other widows in Benue State who are treated badly after their husbands die. She talks about the need to end these harmful widowhood practices, which she was able to avoid.
How did you feel after your husband passed away?
My tribe is Idoma, and I'm from Benue State, but my husband was from Delta State. Nine years ago, I lost him. I have a little girl. Because of some family problems, my husband wasn't buried until six months after he died in August 2013. Because that was where we lived, I had to stay in the family house from August until October, when I went to Lagos to get my things. So, when I got back in October, I had to move back into the family home and find a way to care for my daughter until his funeral in February of the next year.
Were there any strange rituals that you did because of his death?
In 2014, when my husband died and was buried, I was told there were some traditional things to do. The elders got together, and I was put in the middle of them with my baby. I was then told that I had to marry a relative. But before that, God used one of them to tell me what was going to happen. When they told me that, I said I couldn't do that, so they said I would have to give back the dowry if I wasn't going to do what they asked. My parents had told me not to argue with them, which was good. So, I asked what the dowry was worth. They asked the person who was going to inherit me how much I was going to pay back. He said a certain amount, but the women in the house said no, that was too much. So, he told me how much money I had on me, and I pulled it out and gave it to him. The oldest man in the house then prayed for me and my daughter, and then they let us go. They asked us to buy malt drinks that the elders would drink while praying for me and also pray on.
How did you deal with your in-laws when you were all sad?
During the time of mourning, when I was still in Benin, my mother-in-law did not want me to leave. She gave examples of women who had lost their husbands but were still living in the house.
But I was only 32 years old at the time. Everyone had left us, and we were only with my mother-in-law. I was the only one who had to clean the house, take my baby to the store, and then come home and cook. Even though people were sending me money and I was feeding my mother-in-law, I was too old to keep getting handouts. I decided to leave so I could take care of my daughter back in Benue. But my husband's mother got mad. She said I would have to leave my daughter behind if I had to go. My people had told me not to fight with her, so I didn't. I was just praying, and one day she told me that if I wanted to go, I should come and write a promise that I would bring the girl with me from time to time, and I would also give her the addresses and phone numbers of all my relatives. I said no problem. I wrote down the phone numbers and gave her all the addresses she asked for. I didn't do the assignment, though, because I didn't argue with her. She didn't know what else to do because of that. That's how I finally left and went back to my own people in Benue.
What else did they ask you to do as his widow before he was buried?
Before my husband's funeral, I was asked to list all of his assets. As I said before, my parents told me not to argue with them but to tell them everything I knew. They told me to never have any trouble with property. They went to get some of the things, like the cars, but I don't know what they did with the house and land.
Since then, how have you dealt with your daughter?
No one has asked me how I've been getting along with my daughter until today, but my mother-in-law calls me every once in a while, probably to make me feel better. I work as a PTA member at Mount Saint Gabriel Secondary School in Makurdi. I'm a teacher for a living. Even before my husband died, I was already teaching. God has been our strength since my daughter was born 11 years ago.
They may have given you some of the property.
No, they didn't do that, and I don't even want them to. I didn't want anything that could be used against me.
What do you think about a bill that would stop bad widowhood practices in Benue State?
It is a great bill. Everyone would know that these kinds of things need to stop, since they have been going on for centuries and widows haven't been able to fight for their rights. From what I know, this is the first bill of its kind in both Benue and Nigeria. Let the world know that we're really upset about these dangerous things.
Someone said at one of our conferences the other day that women who want to follow tradition should be allowed to do so. We argued that some of these traditions are harmful, which made me think that most of the time, these women don't have a choice because they don't have anyone to fight for them. If my family didn't fight for me, I might still be in the village in Delta State, married to a person who can't read or write. But I stood up for my rights because I was married to an educated person and had people on my side. I am also educated and aware of my rights. If most of the women have people standing up for them, they won't have to do some of these things. So, the bill is a good one because it lets widows know where they can go to fight for their rights or have someone fight for them.
Do these bad things happen in Idoma land?
In some Idoma areas, the woman has to stay in the room with the dead body or sit on the floor in a dark room for a long time to mourn, and no one brings her food. There are also times when a person's children are split up among relatives, and only God knows what will happen to those children in the future.
Credit: dailytrust